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The Case Against Capris

Posted by on Jun 13, 2011

Plaintiff:  Heidi Harmon Potter, representing herself.
Defendant: the Capri Pants, representing themselves.
(Jury comprised of 11 capri wearers, 1 non-capri wearer) 

The only Judge who would hear my case

Opening Arguments:
Your honor and distinguished members of the jury, I realize this might be a frivolous lawsuit, but the Plaintiff is suing the Defendant for slander, libel and defamation of character. I contend that capris are not flattering on anyone. Anytime. Anywhere. I also contend that Capris have fooled ladies for years, lulling them into a false sense of style that denigrates, not appreciates, their womanly bodies.

I have worn my old set of capris here today to prove a point.  (Pointing to hem at calf line)  See how they end on the WIDEST part of my calf.  My calves are not that thick anywhere else, yet I am highlighting the worst part of my leg.  And I’m tall so I have some more leg distance to go down to my shoes, but let’s just say half of America doesn’t  have much leg to stand on.

Elastic waistband, capri-length and white crocs: A Trifecta of wrong

I contend that women need to either opt for long pants, cropped pants or Bermuda shorts as an alternative to capri pants.
I call my first witness:  The Crop Pant

Cafe Capri by J Crew $79.50. Called a capri, but not. Hits right at ankle bone.

It is amazing what a difference that couple of inches makes. These cropped pants, hitting just at the ankle bone, make the leg look so much longer.  This pant is channeling Audrey Hepburn.
Cross Examination:  Here is my capri pant sister in her khacki capris.

Call a medic. I think her pegged hemline and sandals are cutting off her circulation.

My second witness:  The longer trouser
Caravan pant by J Crew $79.50
Your honor, these pants look so comfortable I might wear them to bed. The cut of these pants make her legs go on for miles and miles. Those sandals paired with a capri would look like tourniquet on tree stumps.
Cross examination:  Here is my capri pant sister in her black and white ensemble.

White capris. Not much else to say here.

My third witness:  The Bermuda Short
Gap Bermuda Shorts $49.95
Distinguished ladies of the jury, I realize that the reason you are wearing capri pants to begin with is because shorts are tricky. Either too short or too long or too bad. A classic Bermuda short, cut above the knee, is flattering on everyone.
Cross Examination:  My capri pant sister’s version of shorts.

My shorts ate my knees!

Your honor, may I present Tina + Rebecca Wardrobe Consulting as my expert witnesses.
“We make almost 100% of our wardrobing recommendations based on the laws of balance, shape and proportion, not our personal opinions about what we happen to like this season or what’s trendy or not. Capris (a.k.a. clam-diggers) shorten legs, and enlarge ankles. Wear only when digging for clams. Yes, a Bermuda short or a knee-length skirt is a great alternative, or if they just can’t bear to show the knees, then a long light-weight trouser (a linen or linen blend is perfect) is another option, but it must be boot cut and not skinny!”


Concluding Argument:

Your honor and esteemed members of the jury, as I can see from here, your honor has capris on under her robe and 11 of my 12 jurors have capris on today. I know it might be a hopeless case, but I just ask that my case be heard. I realize that rounding up all your capri pants and giving them to Goodwill may sound extreme, so I ask that you take a one week break from your capris. Take them and move them to another closet so you won’t be tempted. Capris are not your friends, ladies. They are not showing you in your best light.  They are – gasp – false friends!

I leave you with a few more examples of your false friends.

Not your mother's khaki capris, for sure!

The Capri Wall at Wal-Mart

Blinded by the wall of colored jean capris at Wal-Mart

I’d love to hear your feedback on this issue or you can tell me your progress on your capri pants “diet.”  E-mail me at [email protected].